what is a friend?

Tonight I am weighing thoughts on friendship. What does it mean to be someone's friend and to receive someone's friendship. I think I am very careful with the term. I might say the word "friend" because acquaintance might offend but in reality I think I have only have and have had just a handful of real friends in my life. This isn't meant to be a complaint but more just to say that I take this investment seriously. A friend to me is someone who always has my back, who won't be caught saying a negative word about me, who is willing to approach me when I am being dumb. Someone who cries with me, laughs with me, and basically is willing to do life with me. And honestly I don't think I am asking too much. I am amazed even in so call "christian" circles how little authenticity there is. Where is humility? Where is brokenness? Where is FRIENDSHIP? This isn't church this is called acting. Putting a smile on and instead of approaching someone on issues we ask all our friends to "pray" which really can be a cover for "lets gossip about them." No wonder people turn and run, come to think of it why haven't I? Maybe more out of habit than anything. Jesus did life with 12 men for 3 years. Imagine how intenese that must have been. When he talked with people he went for the heart, he called them out on their nastiest stuff but he always told them of the value. Ultimiatly he died on their behalf. He actually took the bullet, unlike many who claim it but run when times get hard.
I just don't want to waste time on surface level faux friendships. I want the real thing, gut wretching, deep, committed family.

god complex

Have you ever been so tired of yourself? Your issues, your imperfections? What is worse is being so tired of them but knowing you probably won't even try and change. I feel that way today. I am tired of the fact that I act and sometime even think I am God. Now I don't normally realize I am thinking it but it comes out in little things in life. For example my husband and I are planning a "Himalayan adventure." We will be traveling to at least two countries with an attempt to see if we would like to work with these people long term. I have been so excited planning this trip thinking about seeing new places, trying new foods, and just getting out of my Salem world for awhile. But then I realized I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea what cultural norms I need to know, I don't know any language, I don't even know what they people need, well at least what their "felt needs" are. Feeling inadequate is a scary feeling but even that frustrates me because I AM INADEQUATE. I don't mean to demean myself it just is fact, I AM NOT GOD. I am limited, finite, and mortal. Why do we work so hard to not need a God, to not need help, to not need salvation? Because no matter how hard will try it will not work. We are broken, we are lost and we are without hope.